Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
