I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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