I can text with my tongue
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
