my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
