apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
