I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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