my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
