what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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