I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
