just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
