Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
