im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
