woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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