Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
