i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
