Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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