Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My vagina is officially offended.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
