the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
