Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize