i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize