I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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