4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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