I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
