everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
