I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Shame - the story of my life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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