Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I miss vodka workout Fridays
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
