wat bout pragnant strippers??
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
