i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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