I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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