glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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