dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
