I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
