You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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