I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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