my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
be right there i have to get my cape
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
