I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
