Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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