You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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