sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
