did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
