the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
