I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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