At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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