Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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