the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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