If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
