He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
