We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
