I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Randomize
