I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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