There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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