i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I looked at my own cervix.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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