I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize