Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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