her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Randomize
