I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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