Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
