God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
