Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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