I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
two words: eviction party
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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