he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
