I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
