8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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