You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
