Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize