Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
