turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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