I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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