you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
