haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
