You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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